My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
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Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.