When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
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Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.