I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
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Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?