“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
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I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
LOL
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no