I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
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I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.