Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
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My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
it’s finally my moment to shine
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta