“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
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I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.