dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
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Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
#oldknees
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I’m about to risk it all
Breaking news:
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.