[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
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It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.