NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
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twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
The point of your 20s
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
BETRAYAL
$4 #usedbooks
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.