As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
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i want to work in this restaurant
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
scrabbled eggs
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.