When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
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If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
If looks could kill
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
We all have our pet causes.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Brilliant!
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.