[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
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[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..