*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
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Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
never forget
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!