Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
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If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.