If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
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What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Godspeed, John Glenn
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.