painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
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A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”