A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
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“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*