Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
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I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
But I really needed water water water
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal