Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
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Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries