[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
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List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking