all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
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4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring