Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
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animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
12653.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.