Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
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My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived