I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
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Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
i now pronounce you bounced.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.