*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
You Might Also Like
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
How to make infinite energy.
Me trying to “trust the process”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.