Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
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No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
can’t talk my ride’s here
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
It’s an epidemic…
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.