Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
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A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”