That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
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printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
#StillHurts
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho