Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
You Might Also Like
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
🦝🔥🦝🔥
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.