Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
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These aliens are taking forever.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn