Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
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I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over