Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
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Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out