I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
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Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.