ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
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wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
all that yoga finally paid off
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.