If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
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Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god