Seals are just dog mermaids.
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Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed