At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
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Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
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Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey