If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.