Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
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I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.