this is supposed to be an 18 year old
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Thoughts
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
“A little help here, Danny?”
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.