When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
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the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Dolls on drugs
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.