Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
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Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.