Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
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i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I don’t make the rules sorry
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?