He wanted to make sure馃槀
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My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 馃檨
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Never do anything you wouldn鈥檛 want to explain to the paramedics
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
no no i鈥檓 not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I accidentally used my mom鈥檚 fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I鈥檝e got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend鈥檚 burger grilling
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?