“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
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(Gaming support cat.)
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I saw this ending much differently.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep