“HELP WITH CAT”
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youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
sliding into dms like
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?