[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
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I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.