Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
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[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Finally, a door that understands me
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE