One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
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Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space